You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
