I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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