My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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