I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
