Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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