I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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