i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
