now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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