So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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