Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
