mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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