dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
