I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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