Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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