We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
