its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
