Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
