just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
