I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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