You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
