Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
