I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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