Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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