I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
