Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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