You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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