i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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