Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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