Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
