remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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