I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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