we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
