So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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