i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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