this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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