I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
