I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again