It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.