Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it