My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
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if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies