my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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