I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
