I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
