Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
