I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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