Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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