I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
