I want to make a zoo with you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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