i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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