Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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