Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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