Sacagawea was the original milf.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
