I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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