you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
