who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Someone came in the potted fern
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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