i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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