Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
