When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
