Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
